Actual email received
“Hey babe my name Chuck […] i like action moves and video and i like star trek its cool and i like big Boobs too haha”
From screen name ‘HotChuck’
Zero Trust and Ridiculous Standards
I received two emails on OK Cupid today. A banner day at my house!
When you receive a message on OK Cupid, you receive an email alert. The alert only gives you the first few words of the message, so you have to sign in if you want to read the whole darn thing. It’s a scam that increases OK Cupid’s log-in stats, but whatever.
When Bachelor #1 emailed me, I had red-alarms go off immediately. “I just browse through your simple and interesting profile here and I became very interested in you.”
My first instinct was that this guy was not American and is one of those Nigerian scammers eager to get women to fall in love and hand over all their life savings to help a new soul-mate out of a jam. The rest of the message increased my suspicions.
My name is Joshua,
I just browse through your simple and interesting profile here and I became very interested in you. I would like you to write me back so I can tell you more about myself. I hope distance, age nor religion will not be a barrier. I’m hoping to hear from you soon!
Take care and have a nice day.
best of regards,
Joshua [redacted] of Uptown, Chicago,IL
Contact via E-Mail: [redacted]
I immediately felt smug in my initial distrust. It’s an awkward message that reveals too much contact information while never proving he read my profile.
I wanted to get a gander at what he looked at and checked his profile. His profile states that he is mentally challenged. My heart broke a little.
Let me clarify: My heart broke for myself and not for Joshua. I immediately thought about how I am eager to find reasons to not trust someone or see the bright side of situations. It’s something I’ve been working on for a long time, and if you had asked me last year if I had conquered it, I would have said yes. But something changed in the last six months or so. It has become a real effort to be cheerful, pleasant and see the good things in life. I don’t know if it’s chemical or a reaction to circumstance, or both. But it bothers the hell out of me.
______________________________________________
Bachelor #2 was actually a lovely guy, not like Joshua from above. I actually thought it was a reply from someone I had emailed, so I was immediately excited. The first line of his email was funny, begging to be a part of a bad online dating blog and become famous.
I was a little disheartened that it wasn’t a message from who I thought, but he wasn’t bad looking, so I read on. *sigh*
I should have been happy to receive a funny email from someone who clearly read my profile and wrote something unique. He had a nice profile and wasn’t bad looking. So what’s the problem??????
The problem is spelling. I don’t know why spelling and grammar counts, but it just does. And honestly, I’m a bad typist. I joked with someone that they needed a Mary-To-Text dictionary to read my messages….they can be awful sometimes! But this guy tried to use the word ‘pretentious’ and it came out ‘pretences.’
I still can’t decide if I give Bachelor #2 a chance or not. It could have been auto-correct and he just didn’t pay attention. But….ugh…I just don’t know.
______________________________________________
DiscretePete
I suppose I should be thankful that old Pete (aged 62) is honest from the get go. Hell, in my last post I admitted I have slept with a married man before. I have a post in the works about a polyamorous couple I know and respect. That post will reveal my own willingness to explore polyamory.
Yet, for some reason, I’m still a little taken aback by the marrieds that are searching for affairs online. And maybe that’s it - the sneakiness of it. While I enjoyed my Vegas tryst 15 years ago, the email below still creeps me out.
“WARNING!!!
I am a married man looking for a married woman, (or someone that doesn’t care) who is not getting what they need at home. If curious read my profile, if not….hit delete.
I do not want to offend anyone, I am just looking for some mutual affection, not a one night stand.”
What are your thoughts?
When I Was 25, I Slept With a Married Man
I figure this is the blog post where I will lose followers and get hate mail. That’s okay: we all have to live our own life by our own rules.
I was a late bloomer. I really believed in soul mates, love at first sight, Prince Charming, and everything that Hollywood tells a young girl. I never dated in high school, and didn’t have my first kiss until after I was 20. By the time I was 24 I had given up on the Ideal Man and started to live life to the fullest.
I had been managing a Hollywood Video store for a few years. Does anyone remember video stores? It was really a great job considering I hadn’t finished college. The hours sucked (had to work every Fri/Sat night AND every holiday,) but the pay was excellent, the people were nice and I am just crazy about movies.
When I was 25, Hollywood Video was going crazy with expansion and was getting ready to open their 1,000th store. To celebrate they decided to send all of the Store Managers to Las Vegas for a fun conference. I’d never been on an adult vacation, rarely left the state of Indiana, and was just darned excited to be in the fun and sun!
Before we left, our District Manager held a mandatory meeting about the trip. Included was a LONG and DETAILED discussion about not “fishing off the company pier.” Having a one night stand in Vegas was the furthest thing from my mind, especially since we all had to share rooms.
The first day was fun and exciting. The weather was perfect, everyone was happy, and staying at the massive MGM Grand was unbelievable! We were all on a high and couldn’t wait for the opening festivities.
Hollywood Video treated us well. We were at the MGM Grand not because it was the largest hotel in America (it was then, I don’t know if it still is) but because of the movie tie in. MGM was one of the oldest studies in Hollywood. We were showered with gifts from all of the studios: Three new pieces of luggage, lots of t-shirts, a Bambi umbrella (That I still use to this day,) and from our employer: a $25 chip to use how we please (more on that later.)
__________________________________________________
With about 2,000 in attendance, the opening night was fantastic. We all laughed and danced and drank and had a great time. I met Dan, our regional Loss Prevention Manager. We hadn’t met Dan before, because our local video chain had only recently been acquired by Hollywood Video, and frankly, we didn’t have an issue anyway.
Dan was really good looking, and very suave, and made me feel very sexy and desirable. We talked most of the evening and had a lot in common; except he was married with kids back home and I was single. He regaled me with stories of his single life, bragging about how many women he had been with (I was to become #99.) As the drinking wore on, it was clear where we were both heading.
Dan told me that everyone in the company was told the same story about Not Fishing Off The Company Pier, except that those who were not Store Managers were told they would be FIRED if they were caught sleeping with anyone who was a subordinate.
All of this made what we were about to do even more exciting, dangerous and taboo. A married man. Sneaking around the hotel. Threat of unemployment. There was so much as stake! It was like playing a Sexual Russian Roulette: would we be lucky to get the empty chamber?
__________________________________________________
Dan went to his room first, and I followed about 10 minutes later. We had no time to waste once we were behind that hotel room door. Our clothes came off quickly and hands and mouths moved with purpose. Even with limited time and the risk involved, we took our time exploring each other’s bodies. He was an excellent lover and his skills to bring me to orgasm were used more than once.
There was little time for afterglow and I left his room, passing his roommate as I got on the elevator to return to the party.
__________________________________________________
I had assumed that was a one night experience with Dan. We lived in separate states, he was married, and email and cellphones were not widely used at that time (yeah, I’m old.) In fact, he didn’t have a cell phone, he had a pager.
A month later, Dan arrived, unannounced at another local store to deal with a Loss Prevention Issue. We had no issues, of course; he wanted to see me. The idea that I was worth the added risk in his life was seductive. We spent the weekend in his hotel and I never heard from Dan again.
__________________________________________________
I know I should feel bad about my time with Dan, but I don’t. I have a thousand reasons I should feel guilty and ashamed. I would never trust a man who cheated on me. I would never begin a committed relationship with someone who had been a cheater. He had a wife at home and made a commitment and vows. He had children. I would never in a million years think of cheating on someone I was committed to. It’s just wrong.
I have never felt guilty or ashamed about sleeping with Dan. Maybe I’m a terrible human being. I am sure all of my reasoning for why I don’t feel guilty are just rationales to make me feel better about myself. But look: I didn’t flirt with Dan, he flirted with me. I didn’t seek him out. I didn’t invite him to my room, he invited me to his. I had no intent to find him or anyone else that weekend. I was not his first affair, and I’m sure I wasn’t the last. He would have made anyone his #99. If he didn’t tell me he was married, I wouldn’t have known, and therefore would never have a reason to feel bad. I wasn’t cheating, he was. I wouldn’t be the cause of any marriage break-up, he would.
__________________________________________________
Would I sleep with a married man again? Who knows? I’m older now, supposedly wiser. My wisdom says my rationales are strong. I would never flirt with a married man, at least not any more than I flirt with my best girlfriends. Men with no intention to cheat seem to know the difference.
But married men hit on me all the time. Perhaps there is something about me that says I’m easy. In fact, I am sure there is. Maybe I am easy. But I am also choosy and have my own sense of what is right and wrong.
I don’t know what the future holds.
__________________________________________________
By the way, I spent that free $25 chip. I bet it all on a single number in Roulette: Black 11. I won. For those keeping track, that’s an $875 payout.
I’d never played roulette before that night, but I’ve played a lot since. I’ve won many, many times with Black 11, and am far ahead of the house in my winnings.
Finally, A Great Email!
I month ago I disabled my OK Cupid account. I was sick of looking at the same faces locally, reaching out and getting no response. I needed a break from trying.
However, I still want to add to the Bad Online Dating Profiles blog, so I created a faux account for that purpose. At one point I had my pictures up, some information entered and a different city, but that’s another blog entry. Now it is a blank slate: not content, no pictures and a fake city that I change just for fun.
Last night I was in a foul mood that had been building for days. I decided to open a bottle of wine, complain on twitter about my lot in life, and search for bad profiles. Only a found a couple good local profiles. Go Figure.
I didn’t feel like changing my profile, so I was just honest in my emails. One consisted of “I’m drunk. You’re cute.”
But one profile particularly intrigued me. It was very well written, he was cute (and bearded!) and his interests were similar enough that I though we could enjoy at least being friends. He boasted of his writing, mostly because he’s attempting to make a living as a writer. One line said to contact him because “you want something interesting in return. “Interesting” may not be the best word, but I hear I am a legendary email/letter writer.”
So I emailed. I told him I was drunk, in desperate need of a legendary email, and I offered a couple paragraphs to fill the void of my empty profile. I feel what I received back was, indeed, legendary in the Online Dating world. But you can decide:
We’re flying blind tonight. That’s okay, but I fear after the hangover wears off tomorrow morning, you’ll read this and think “I could have SO used this last night.” That morning (or early afternoon) light is a cruel, cruel (honest) bitch.
My profile is not at 100% right now. It is in flux, as is everything in my life at the moment. It (profile, life) is suffering from a severe (and seemingly permanent) case of “what now?”. A lifetime-long existential crisis. I just wrote another cover letter. I quoted Frank O’Connor quoting Pascal. In French. Yes, that is how bad it has gotten.
Sometimes I go days without checking my profile here. When I first (drunkenly) made it I browsed around like I was at the local supermarket and I tried to squeeze all the interesting looking fresh fruit, but none of them were interested. Honestly, since I’ve made this profile, I’ve met more people in real life than here. Most of the messages I get are lazy one-liners wanting something “interesting” from me. I have no problem putting in the effort (as you can see), but thank goodness someone has finally sent me a paragraph or two (thank you).
I really do like my friends. They are interesting people. I just want to meet more interesting people. But it’s hard when you’re sequestered back at your parents house trying to get yourself back on your feet for about the fifth time in seven years.
Beards are awesome. I’ve only shaved twice since I was 18, though I’ve been keeping my neck nice and clean and the beard itself as short as it’s ever been. I’m willing to put the work in, and my beard is a microcosm of that.
Most of the music I love is loud and grating and you’ve never heard of it (that’s how indie I am), but there is a soft spot in my knees for French pop with female vocals (Yelle, Prototypes). I start to quiver and melt, and I’m sure it’s a humorous sight seeing a hairy, bearded, flanneled man listening to French pop going all aquiver and melting. But I’d argue there are few manlier things to listen to.
I really know very little about movies. I tend to read a lot (and quote Pascal). Movies about baseball, though, are a weakness of mine. I write a blog about baseball, though it really seems to be about philosophy instead (for now—it’s only spring training).
By the way, I have a drinking problem. The problem is that I have not had a drink since Saturday. But I’ve been sick with a nasty head/chest cold. I think it’s finally starting to leave me, but I can’t wait to start putting some gin in my juices.
As Pascal said, this present message is a very long one, simply because I had no time to make it shorter.
I enjoyed it. We’ve had a few more emails back and forth. It may amount to nothing, and that’s okay. I’m just glad to have received, for the first time, a great Online Dating email.
The Importance of Beauty and good kissing
I don’t usually think about beauty or physical attraction. It’s true.
Anyone who knows me or has read my tweets knows that I am simply Boy Crazy. I find many things to be attractive in men, and the smallest detail or quirk can turn me on. In-shape, out-of-shape, thin, thick, long hair, bald head, gray-hair, beard, clean shaven, young, old, tall, short, grungy, hipster, metro-sexual, nerdy, geeky, sporty, run-of-the-mill: I like it all.
So color-me-surprised when I looked at a picture of a potential casual-sex partner and thought, “Eh, I’m just not that into it.”
I mean, all this relationship was going to be about was both of us filling a sexual need. What does it matter what he looks like, really? Especially when I don’t care about looks for a relationship that could potentially mean more.
I’ll call him S. S wasn’t good looking, but he wasn’t ugly. He was simply very forgettable. He did, however, have a screen name worthy of #BadOnlineDatingScreenNames. But a girl has needs, you know?
I decided to meet S anyway. I hoped he would be better in person. Besides, he claimed to have a 10” penis, and really: who doesn’t want to see that? I would pay $5 to see that at a carnival.
I altered our meeting plans so we would only have a short introduction, and no promises of anything afterwards. S arrived at the coffee shop before I did; my heart sank when I saw him, head down in his phone. He was even more plain and forgettable in person than in his picture.
Our conversation was awkward. When you are just setting up for sex, you don’t really want to get too personal; neither of you care about the other’s future dreams or plans. We were both trying to protect our professional status, so even discussions of work were left vague and empty. I fumbled with my paper tea cup that never cooled enough to drink during our meeting but did keep my hands warm. He kept staring at my breasts like a hungry child.
Soon we both had to leave. It was a blessing. I told him I wouldn’t mind meeting again, this time for sex. {I’ll repeat: I have needs.}
We walked outside into a rainy but unseasonably warm winter’s night. We both moved in for a kiss … and then …
ACK! My face was instantly assaulted by his manic tongue. That was not a kiss! That was … a bath. His tongue was everywhere: on my lips, on my face, in my mouth. There was no room left for my own tongue to maneuver.
I asked for less tongue, and was met with almost the same sloppy, wet attack. I asked again for less tongue. Why was I still even involved? I think at this point I just wanted to see if S could be taught better skills. In the end, he was more determined than I.
I pulled myself away, mentioning the appointments we both had.
We shared a few emails over the next week, but I think he could sense my reluctance. Eventually they just stopped, and we never had a second meeting.
I still don’t know how big S’s penis is, and that makes me feel a little sad.
“The Perfect Man” was drawn by @Chance_Second.
What I Really Don’t Understand About Online Daters
Look, there’s a lot I don’t get about human nature. For being fairly perceptive at figuring people out in person, online behavior has me stumped.
For the past week or so on Match.com, two different guys have looked at my profile almost every day. They also looked at my profile at other times in the past month or so.
I decided to email them with a simple message saying hello and that I noticed they were checking me out. If we had been in public, say at a bar, and I noticed someone looking at me, I would introduce myself; I have no problem doing this online.
What confuses me is the one email response I received: “Thanks for your interest. To be straight up, I’ve met a few people I’m exploring friendships with now and with my busy schedule, I’m not able to take on any more. I wish you the best and hope you find who you’re looking for.”
Now, I don’t mind being turned down. What bothers me is if you have no time for exploring other relationships, then what are you doing even logging in to Match.com, much less visiting my profile multiple times?
Even if I take the creep factor out of it (stalker, treating my pictures like porn, *god forbid* making fun of my pictures) then I just don’t get why if you are happily pursuing relationships, why would you keep your foot in the door of new relationships. It’s like having eaten until you are full, but filling your plate up again, just in case.
So I emailed him and asked why he was still looking if he didn’t have the time to really pursue anything. I received this response: “Sorry… Didn’t mean to lead you on. You make a good Point. I guess I’m new to his whole thing and didnt realize the implications. Best wishes to you and thanks for educating me a bit. I really appreciate your feedback.”
So now I am educating the masses … one dater at a time.
An electronic engineers circuit analysis of a relationship
Source: ilovecharts
The Year of the Date {In Review}
2011 was an interesting year and gave me well more than I expected. I would not change a single thing.
I used to be wild. I don’t regret it, but at a certain point I knew I wanted something different. So I decided to take some time off from dating. I didn’t know it would be so many years!
To get back in the game, I decided to ask all of my friends and family to set me up with one person in 2011. I had three criteria: Single, Male, Won’t Kill Me in My Sleep. I thought I’d tweet about it and have some fun.
It seemed like an easy request. After a few weeks, everyone said they knew of no one. Now, either this town is that slim on single men, or I am just not date-able. I don’t know the answer to that, and don’t dwell on it too much.
_______________________________________________________
Being on my own, I went to the Internet and Online Dating. I had quick results, and entered into a wonderful, if not short-lived relationship with P.
I hit a sort of dry-spell after that. And that’s okay. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process.
Being with P made me realize I am terrible at relationships. I knew this before, but this experience really drove it home. As far back as I can remember I have been unable to trust anyone with my feelings, with my heart. This includes family and friends. If I ever share something that seems personal with you, rest assured it is because the information {and your reaction} can’t hurt me anymore. Everything else remains locked deep inside.
I think I was born this way, and then experience just reinforced the concept.
After being with P and trying a “relationship” I settled into the notion of casual dating. A couple guys fit the bill and it all seemed okay.
_______________________________________________________
I’ve only felt deeply for one person my whole life. His mere existence takes my breath away. Yet, I don’t share anything with C either. The idea that my thoughts and feelings could be judged and I’d lose someone is more than I can take. C represents so many of the things I would ever want in a long-term committed relationship. Companionship, learning, trust, fidelity. But he’s messed up. I’m messed up. Nothing could ever come of it. We’ll be friends forever, and I treasure that.
_______________________________________________________
Near the end of the year I started talking to someone online. Even more so than with C, this man represented that fantasy of The Perfect Guy. Not a perfect man by any means, but if there was a checklist of qualities, qualities that I gave up on finding a long time ago, well, he’s the closest I’ve ever met.
It was shocking. I never really imagined that there was a possible relationship with him {for a variety of reasons}. But the fact that there was someone out there who made me *want* to share myself was the shocking part.
He made me think back to when I was young, naive, not jaded by experience. His exuberance for life made me want to chase my dreams again. He’s smart, funny, and unbelievable sexy. He existence scares the hell out of me. So much so that I was left literally speechless upon meeting him. Totally ignored him.
*I am a dork.*
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That’s the problem with fantasies and crushes. They aren’t reality; I live in reality. My reality is that casual is what will work. My friend Mike says that I deny myself a lot of happiness by doing this. Mike is right.
I’ve known a lot of people like me. We know how to be unhappy. We are used to it. It’s comfortable. There aren’t any surprises with unhappiness. Unhappiness is always there, hanging on the edges.
Happiness … that is an unknown. I don’t know what it is, really. I know it can, and will, be taken away. So why strive for it?
_______________________________________________________
I need someone who knows I’m scared. Someone with patience to see me through the fear. Someone who can forgive me for taking a step forward and then a few steps back. I think I could be worth it.
{pieces of the lyrics}
_______________________________________________________
Until then…The dating will continue. Albeit from a new twitter handle and a new blog name. But … the same old Mary, Mary; Quite Contrary.
Source: staypozitive
Blind Date Orgy
Well…I got your attention, anyway. *sex sells
If there was an equivalent to going on a blind-date orgy, that’s what I am doing tomorrow.
I’m driving 5+ hours to Pittsburgh to go to a party where I will meet most of my active twitter followers. I am more nervous about this than any first date I’ve ever been on.
Like online dating, we’ve chatted and created a spark. There’s hope it could lead to something more.
I *like* these people. I don’t get to say that a lot in life. Most people annoy me and stress me out. I want to like them just as much - and even more - than I like them on twitter. They are quick witted, well read, raunchy, fiercely independent, excessively kind, wonderful people.
I’ve never seen myself living anywhere but where I am right now. Same town - same house! - that I was raised. But this year has been an adventure! It has been a selfish year of doing what I want, avoiding what I don’t want, and discovering what all of that want really is. Now I can see myself sprouting my wings, as they say, ready to leave and have new experiences with new people. With *these* people.
I want them to like me. I don’t want to only be interesting in 140 characters.
But no pressure.
Posted without {too much} commentary
Online dating is not for everyone. There are rules, just like in everyday life.
Number One Rule Of Dating: No Means No.
These are the string of emails I have received from Owen so far. Notice I have stopped replying, but he keeps sending.
Owen’s profile: I’m a nice single guy who is looking for that nice special partner to share that serious 1 on 1 possible Long term relationship with. I want that partner to give me all the same qualities I’ll give her.
From: Owen | December 17, 2011
Share a nice eve together, Sound interested? xo Owen
From: Me | December 17, 2011
Sure! What do you have in mind?
From: Owen | December 18, 2011
My idea isnt a one nite stand, I’m looking at perhaps sharing an eve of snuggling to a movie or even sharing a nice bottle of wine under the stars on my deck talking-etc or in my jaccuzzi. Interested? 1-xxx-xxx-8579……
From: Me | December 18, 2011
You see, Owen…all of that *sounds* suspiciously like a one-night-stand. I have nothing against casual sex, or booty-calls; but when you make it sound like this is all you have to offer, I quickly become disinterested.
Good luck in your search.
From: Owen | December 18, 2011
Honey, I have alot to offer, I am looking for that partner-mate to possibly share a long term relationship. It deals with possibly in the future sharing everything, I live a nice life here and think it would be nice having you or whoever someday living with me. Wanna give us a try? I’m a good kisser-etc.. The key is do you have alot of love-etc to offer? xo Owen
From: Owen | December 18, 2011
I would like to chatt with you on I-M-S
From: Owen | December 20, 2011
I’ll be honest with you, Why I’m so forward or blunt about us getting together is because in my past years, I never knew what it was like to actually be loved by anyone but my parents. You see the girls I’ve been with have basically been hurting encounters to me, I would show the affections-Love them and all they would do is use me for my money or use me by playing mind games. I really wanted you to come over some eve, perhaps we could talk and get closer and see if we could be good for each other, both the companionship-intimacy. We both are two adults and if the mood between us causes it to happen, I’ll gladly make love to you! I dont want just a booty call or one niter!
From: Owen | December 22, 2011
Situation!
I come accross in such a forward-direct way with you because my life has been sheltered by me never going to any dances, my parents kept me in the environment of serious all in schoolastic studies. Times went by and I met many girls who wanted only a friendship and I played their games, but Now since times went by recently losing my father to Alzheimers this past January, I’ve decided to change and go for that close-serious relationship. And I dont get out much so the online thing is my way of communicating with partners-possible girlfriend in my life. Please reply.. I’m Looking for more than a date, I Want You! xo Owen
From: Owen | January 8, 2012
Reply or call 1-xxx-xxx-8579
From: Me | January 8, 2012
No Thanks
From: Owen | January 8, 2012
Look, you just dont get it, It all starts somewhere, I know I’m no Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, I just wanted us to get together, for drinks under the stars and see if we click. I have alot to offer!
I have finally reported Own to Match.com, as well as blocked him from being able to contact me or view me in a search. The fun is over.
Special just isn’t special anymore
My instincts have never proven me wrong. When I go against them, I end up saying, “You should have listened to your gut.”
So I got an email on Match.com that said “Share a nice eve together, Sound interested?”
I don’t care for how this guy looks, he just doesn’t take care of himself. Now, I don’t mind people who are overweight. But shower, cut your hair, and wear flattering clothes. Don’t sound cheesy and desperate. Don’t just give up on life. As the comedian said, you can fix anything about your appearance, but you can’t fix stupid.
Since this date is not going to happen, I decide t respond to the email and see what he had in mind.
“… My idea isnt a one nite stand, I’m looking at perhaps sharing an eve of snuggling to a movie or even sharing a nice bottle of wine under the stars on my deck talking-etc or in my jaccuzzi. Interested? 1-269-555-1234…… xo Owen”
Sounds an awful lot like a one-night stand to me. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for casual sex and the booty-call. But I think there has to be some sort of shared trust and understanding. Otherwise you might as well visit a prostitute.
While I may have given up on the idea of love, I haven’t given up on the idea of self-respect. Owen is getting the boot.
Just a single girl *trying* to date. Reporting the details, as boring as they might be.
